Since everyone else is doing a V-day journal I figured that I might as well do one too! After all today is the 4 year anniversary of my manic depression! And I guess I might as well tell everyone why I've been such a jackass!

It all started in my 8th grade school year...

While I & my mom were in line for getting me a locker I noticed a Large, beautiful Young Lady right behind me. Being young and stupid I kept double taking her just to see her. that was merely the start. I would walk back & forth in rooms where we had the same class just to look at her. I stalked her especially in my later years. I would look for her all the time but I was too afraid to approach her & worse yet I was afraid to think that I loved her. I was obsessed with her, she was my first love interest or rather "like" interest. being a christian I didn't want to make a commitment unless I knew that she was the one. but I continually desired her. only a lot later would I learn that it was lust that I was truly feeling. In my 11th grade year, 4 years ago today EXACTLY, I put a note in her locker which said in all caps:

I LIKE YOU!!!

The worst mistake I have ever made. She responded with a note saying she didn't feel the same way but that she would always care for me as a friend. It doesn't take a genius to know that my mind did not take this too well. And that was when it all began...

I soon began to avoid people more than before, even my friends. I began to tear myself apart and bad things began to happen. I quit playing Unreal Tournament after some asshole 7th graders pissed me off! I jumped down the school stairs & dislocated my ankle! I began to grow more & more distant from my friends! I gained a new friend who could comfort me until he moved away to Washington! I bombed out of college because I could not do well in any of my academic classes! I got a car but I did not take good care of it and it is now scrap! I have become distanced from Jesus & I believe that I cannot return! I could not bear the shame or anger that I harbored inside myself! But I never once blamed the girl I had previously liked. I knew that all that had happened to me, all that I have become was my fault. And as such I can never forgive myself.

Now I have gone from wanting a girlfriend to simply wanting sex. My moral compass has grown more & more towards evil. I no longer desire to leave my home except to work at my job and buy more video games. I have slowly but surely stopped going to church, though somehow I still consider myself a christian. And worse yet, my brother recently got himself a girl & my adopted sister enjoys the pain & suffering I am enduring! I have wished for death more than anyone knows yet I still exist! I hate this world! With all my being I hate it!

To all who would say "I know how you feel" F*^% you! You don't know how I feel! You humans are all the same! None can ever know the feeling of having no reason for existence! I am willing to bet nobody is gonna read this let alone comment on it so I have no reason to apologize for expressing the evils within my being! I have expended all I am in giving to others with not in return. So I am finished with tearing my heart up to please people or make them proud of me! Think whatever the F#@% you want of me I don't give a S*%^! At least you have meaning to your existence!